Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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