if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
