saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
