Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
