You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
