Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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