best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
