hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize