The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
