Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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