omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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