drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
