Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
