Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
