I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
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