I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
