Kiss
Puke
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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