why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
