you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize