You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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