Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize