If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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