Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
