Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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