So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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