sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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