so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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