u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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