Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
