Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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