she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
