If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
