Pregnant stripper...not hot.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize