I am midnight drunk by noon
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
