i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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