He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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