I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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