No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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