the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
