ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
