Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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