The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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