Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Is it because I queefed?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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