I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
