its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
