The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
