Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
