Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
