thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
