Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
