I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize