I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
