also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
