Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
