i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
