He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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