I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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