How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize