I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize