my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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